I’d just like to premise this story with the fact that I love Christmas… second in my life only to Halloween… I love the decorations, the festivities, the FOOD, the excuse to catch up for a bubbles and most of all spending time with my family, friends and of course my kids.
Yes it is a time of joy. Of togetherness. Of love and giving.
It’s also a time that drives me batshit crazy and towards hard liquor… #TequilaIsMyFriend
Surely I’m not alone? I’m tired already and unsure how everything is going to fit into the next week. I am not cooking ginger bread again at midnight. I want to shoot that fat jolly man and BBQ me some venison to slow this Christmas wagon down…
This my friends, is my 21 truths of Christmas…
1. I literally just put my Christmas tree up. And that’s only because I couldn’t deal with another day of “when is the Christmas Tree going up?”
2. I have to take the fucker down in 10 days.
3. I had big plans to have my shopping done. It’s not. The deadlines closing in are making me lose my will to live.
4. The DAILY ear-splitting squeals of joy… at 5am… of advent calendar opening. I can hear my fellow parentals suffering together with this one.
5. The tantrum when Mr 5 wants to open more than one advent calendar ‘day’.
6. The next day… when there is no day to open… because you opened it yesterday kid.
7. Panic buying. Panic buying. Panic buying. Regret.
8. What sadistic cow thought up Elf on a Shelf?
9. Trying to figure out what’s a great replacement for things your kids put on their list for Santa. “I’m sure he couldn’t fit the motorbike, drone, real robot and 80 inch flatscreen in his sack… enjoy the lego son”
10. Lining up for two hours for a photo in Santa’s grotto. Then sucking in my guts and trying not to blink for Santa’s photo.
11. The moral dilemma of choosing whether you look good… or your kids look good in the Santa photo (a heads up… it’s my 40 bucks, so it’s me).
Yes. I know Santa is blinking… but my kids are both looking and I don’t look like a demented banshee so it was the winner…
12. The multi-story car park stalker move. I can do this bad boy all day… #creeper
13. School finishing ONE MILLION YEARS before Christmas.
14. Being a freaking ninja at hiding presents. Where does one shove a canoe?
15. Wrapping. Why do I do this on Christmas Eve at 2am… every year!?!
16. My Pinterest board of spectacular wrapping styles… which quickly becomes bargain wrapping paper with 7 tonnes of sticky tape and several bottles of wine. *See above*
17. The annual family Christmas Calendar that always arrives on December 28th. Regardless of when I ordered it…
18. The relations.
19. Filling my three trollies with all the groceries I’ll need to survive. Because the shops will be closed for ONE WHOLE DAY.
20. Why do I need to make two cheesecakes, a potato bake, coleslaw and ginger bread men in the last week? WHYYYYY?#AllOfThemAreTheBOMB #BuyingACookedChookThisYear
21. The Christmas tree will still be up… in February.
When all said and done, I do really love Christmas and one saving grace is that it’s completely acceptable to start drinking at breakfast.
Champagne breakfast bitches!
Merry Christmas from the over-budget, tired and time-poor… and maybe just a little bit lit…
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